Falling in love is a wonderful, thrilling, adventure. It
easily leaves us breathless, broken, elated, or even blinded. The smartest
people on this earth cannot fully explain the powerful emotions associated with
falling in love. Yes, we understand that endorphins and hormones attribute to
these emotions, yet this phenomenon remains a mystery to those who have not
experienced the thrill of it.
It has recently occurred to me that there is another form of
“falling in love” that holds equal mystery and power. This powerful phenomenon
is simply found when the body of Christ, follows Jesus’s example of grace and
becomes a safe place for people to Fall into Love.
This week my phone, tv, and newsfeed have been plastered
with the actions of a prominent Christian figure. His hypocrisy has been
labeled, his family has been exposed, and his fate has been argued by
Christians and the rest of the world. And the judgment has been a harsh one and
most would say, he deserves every harsh criticism. He has humiliated his family,
injured his wife, and led Americans down a road which he was unwilling to
faithfully travel himself. However, when I look at this man, I see something
different. I see my husband. I remember years ago in his early 20’s when he too
struggled with a sin that had him by the throat and threatened his very
eternity along with his marriage. I remember the nights where he would cry and
tell me how he begged God on a daily basis to take this temptation away, to
rescue him from himself, and to save me from the hurt that his sexual addiction
was inflicting.
Falling in love with Ray as a teenager was a powerful thing,
but the only thing that trumped it in my life, was when together we found a
safe place where we could experience the thrill of falling into the love of the
body of Christ. Yes, we fell….I struggled with fear, and I punished my husband
regularly. Ray struggled with pornography, prostitution, and the like. But even
though we fell over and over again, the Lord had lovingly blessed us with
Christians who said, “It’s ok, you can fall here. We love you enough to hold
you up when you do.We will walk with you through the pain and the dysfunction, to
help you reach your hand to the Father who wants to help you take the next
step.”
Ray and I could fall and we were caught by love…every time. It is a mystery even to me how God empowered those people He entrusted us to, all I know is that through the Holy Spirit, He gave them the strength to minister to us time and time again, even when we let them down. What a picture of Christ that was in my life.
Ray and I could fall and we were caught by love…every time. It is a mystery even to me how God empowered those people He entrusted us to, all I know is that through the Holy Spirit, He gave them the strength to minister to us time and time again, even when we let them down. What a picture of Christ that was in my life.
Ray and I have both been believers since childhood, yet we
made some whopper mistakes. Ray’s sexual addiction started in his teen years,
as a result of the belief that he wasn’t valuable. He was looking for something
to cover the pain he felt day in and day out. And like so many other young men,
the enemy prayed on a vulnerable boy and told him that this woman undressing
for him, was doing it because she thought he was worth taking her clothes off
for. Josh is no different. His choices, while wrong, are most likely the result of deep pain, which has been coped with unhealthily. Almost all addicts in the church, act out of the need to cope for pain, often unconscious pain. It isn't fair to their families, and it is incredibly hard for them to fight alone. It also, does not disqualify that person forever, it isn't impossible to overcome, and there is hope for those who look to Jesus for help and actually follow him.
Here is what the Church needs to understand, sexual sin is
everything that the Lord says it is in scripture. He detests and despises it.
It ruins families and it breaks homes. BUT it does not change the identity of
the one who falls into it. My husband was still a child of the King, dearly loved,
wanted, and valuable, even though he broke my heart and God's heart every time he forgot who he was and turned to the world for comfort instead of God. We write words on Facebook, we judge, we speak harshly, but God looks at us and says, "That is my son you are talking about."
It is a miracle that I can type these words. I of all people should be throwing stones at Josh Duggar. It should rattle me to the core that another man would destroy his family by turning to sex for comfort instead of turning to God. I have had the sleepless nights that I imagine his wife, Anna, has had this week. I have felt the pain of finding letters to prostitutes in my husbands email. I have searched for God in the middle of my pain, and found Him faithful even when my husband wouldn’t be. It should enrage me that Josh Duggar would stand on a platform that God gave him one minute and then sin the next. But then I would have to point that finger right back at my own face. How often have I stood on the platform God has trusted me with and turned around and done exactly what I tell people not to? I preach about fear and how to overcome it, and then there are days that I am so afraid that my husband will cheat again that I can barely move. How often have I forgotten my identity and given way to insecurity, even though I mentor women about that very thing. We all, and I do mean all, have platforms…somewhere that God wants to use our stories to Glorify him, and we all have a target on our back while we stand there.
It is a miracle that I can type these words. I of all people should be throwing stones at Josh Duggar. It should rattle me to the core that another man would destroy his family by turning to sex for comfort instead of turning to God. I have had the sleepless nights that I imagine his wife, Anna, has had this week. I have felt the pain of finding letters to prostitutes in my husbands email. I have searched for God in the middle of my pain, and found Him faithful even when my husband wouldn’t be. It should enrage me that Josh Duggar would stand on a platform that God gave him one minute and then sin the next. But then I would have to point that finger right back at my own face. How often have I stood on the platform God has trusted me with and turned around and done exactly what I tell people not to? I preach about fear and how to overcome it, and then there are days that I am so afraid that my husband will cheat again that I can barely move. How often have I forgotten my identity and given way to insecurity, even though I mentor women about that very thing. We all, and I do mean all, have platforms…somewhere that God wants to use our stories to Glorify him, and we all have a target on our back while we stand there.
A friend of mine always says “Show me your greatest
struggle, and I will show you your calling.” Men and Women of God- we should be
mature enough to know that the place where God asks you to minister is the
first place the enemy tries to take you out. I have seen it in my own
life. One of my greatest struggles has
been with my identity- BECAUSE God has called me to teach people how to find their
identity in Him. Josh is no exception to this rule. I have no doubt that God
gave him a platform years ago to speak about moral and family issues because
God wanted to get glory out of Josh’s life. Well- what a shocker that Satan got
upset and took him out with the very thing that God had asked Josh to speak
about.
This is why the Lord tells us in 1st Peter 5:8: Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
This is why the Lord tells us in 1st Peter 5:8: Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Yes, Josh let his guard down, he lost that battle. So did my
husband, so did King David with Bathsheba, so have I, so have you….
An astoundingly high number of the people who sit in our
churches in America have sexual addictions. It may be pornography, it may be
more extreme, but even the extreme is becoming more and more prevalent because
pornography is a gateway drug that leaves it’s viewer soon hungry for more of a
high. Porn isn’t enough to satisfy the
pain, the need to be valued, the need to be wanted, and so men peruse more. I
believe God wants Josh to remind the Church that there is a problem plaguing
the men and women of our churches that has gone ignored for too long. If we
don’t start understanding our identity and value as God’s children, we won't be able to stand under the pressure the enemy brings.
I don’t presume to know Josh’s heart. I hope he is
repentant, and if he is, I pray God uses him and his family in a new, mighty
way. I don’t believe God is done with them. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against
flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the
powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the
heavenly realms.”
Josh’s
struggles have been real, and he has fallen, but falling and failing are two
different things. This will not be a failure unless Josh is unrepentant. It is
never failure if God gets to use it to redeem and restore.
People
of God, lets not sit here and quote scripture about the
judgment of God and how he hates sexual sin. Those things are biblical and
true, but let me tell you as someone who has lived watching a Godly man fight for freedom that seemed unreachable, it wasn’t the judgmental ones who had no idea what we were going through or the ones who corrected harshly that
led my husband to get the help he needed. It was the kindness of God in giving
him a body of believers that would be a safe place to work out his faith with,
that led Ray to find radical freedom through the power of Jesus Christ. Having
a place to fall, and land in love will bring restoration. Falling into judgment
and criticism only breeds self loathing, offense, self pity, and other ineffective things. "God’s kindness is intended to lead you to
repentance” Romans 2:4b.
I will
close with this final thought. When I was 21 and found out that Ray had spent
our savings on prostitutes, I fled in pain to my family home. There I was
welcomed in love by my parents and brother, Brent. Brent was only 15 at the
time and Ray had been his hero for years. He became so angry at Ray and a
mixture of sobbing a rage were on his face. I was in so much pain, but seeing
Brent in pain was almost worse. I found myself making one simple request of
my family in that moment. “If you really love me, pray for Ray. I want my marriage to succeed,
but more than that, I am worried for his eternity. Ray is in a moment of deciding
what kind of man he will be. Please pray for him instead of getting angry at
him. Your anger does me no good at all.”
My
family stopped and for the next 2 hours all five of us (including my sister who
was out of state at the time) interceded for Ray.
During
that same 2 hour span, the people who were ministering to Ray at that moment,
saw a change come over him.
There is
such great power in prayer. We believe it, we teach it, but do we live it? If you know an addict, and you say you care for their family, pray for the addict and the family will reap the benefits. Pray for the family and the addict will reap the benefits, and in all of it, God will move on their behalf. I
have seen so many posts crucifying Josh, while in the same breath agreeing to
pray for Anna and the kids. If you really care about them at all, pray for
Josh. Pray for real and complete life change. Sexual addiction is just like any
other addiction. It can be a long process, it can be hard for all parties. BUT our God is big enough to
complete a miracle. He can restore a man to his wife and children and
protect this home from being one that the enemy gets to take credit for
breaking up. God’s plans are always, always for his children to move up…Josh
has a window where he gets to choose to move up, to become the man God called
him to be a long time ago. He can choose, like my husband did, to do the hard
work, while totally depending on God. God is able to heal and transform him to
walk in freedom. I believe in this
family, BECAUSE I believe in God. If they turn to him, and if we the church
will catch them in love and pray for them, I know we will see amazing things to
come.~
~For
those of you who have been stirred by the Duggar story because it hits a little
too close to home, take hope in the two things that the Lord has been reminding me of
through this story.
1)
God
exposes every hidden thing.
2)
God
only exposes for the purpose of His Glory.
This story reminds us that God exposes all, in his perfect timing, by whatever means necessary. So you never have to live in fear that you will be unprotected or ignored by God, when your spouse is overcoming addiction. It also reminds us that our story is never over. God didn't have to expose Josh's sin, it would have probably been less drama if He hadn't. But God is out to reveal his faithfulness and transforming power through every hurt. He will most definitely use this story as He will most definitely use yours.