I honestly believed that when Ray turned from his sin and had true brokenness about what he had done to me, then I would know that I could move on and be safe. I smile as I know many of you reading this are saying “EXACTLY!!” Well, I hate to break it to you, but not only is that NOT how it works, it isn’t even close to God’s design for healing your wounded heart. I can promise you that if you wait for your husband to mend your broken heart, you are going to have a long and miserable wait. There is a story of a couple we know that comes to mind. The wife is lovely, always well groomed and smiling when you see her. And her husband of 8+ years is a man who loves the Lord with all his heart and has a passion for helping young men stand against temptation and feels a call to help men with pornography addictions. When this couple was younger, Nikki’s world came crashing down around her when she found out her husband had been deep into the realm of pornography and she NEVER knew! She was angry and so hurt. In time her husband began to pursue the Lord and his hurting wife. He was completely freed from his addiction and even began ministering to others. I remember thinking, “wow, I would give anything to see Ray doing that, she is so lucky.” Well, unfortunately Nikki didn’t see it that way. She had waited for years to see her husband become her dream man, but even when he did, she was too bitter to see it. It breaks my heart to say that to this day, she still lives in a state of depression, illness, and emotional chaos. She harbors resentment and hurt so deeply. You wouldn’t know it if you ran into her on the street, but it is there. All you need is to spend 20 minutes with her and her husband to see the yelling, degrading, and deep rooted bitterness that Nikki spews at her husband. And it all stems from that deep hurt that she has kept locked away, untouched by the Savior’s hands, as she waits for her husband to fix her.
This story breaks my heart, because this story is the norm. Women sit and wait for years for their husband to change, and even when he does, they have spent so much time in bitterness, unforgivness, and pain, that they are stuck. They can’t see a way out and they are miserable. I can’t stress this enough ladies, THIS IS NOT HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE. There are some hard truths that you need to start praying about as you pursue your healing with God.
There is only one person who has the power to heal your heart. If all power on heaven and earth belong to God, than how can we believe anyone else has the power to heal our emotions? I don’t care who your husband is or how good his intentions are, he does not have the power to heal you. Nothing he does can heal the wounds that are in your heart. Whether you have low self esteem, have felt like you are not enough to satisfy your husband, or you are so angry at him that you can’t even think of one reason that you love him anymore, there is someone who has the power to heal EVERY hurt. God wants you to come to the throne of grace humbly and ask him to help you.
After I realized that Ray was never going to be able to heal me, I noticed that wasn’t my only problem. I also had the false belief that I could fix myself or at least do a really good job fooling myself and everyone else into believing I was ok. I sucked it up and even continued as the worship leader at our church, even though I desperately wanted to quit. I was so emotionally exhausted; I didn’t want to lead others into worship. But I couldn’t let anyone see that! God made our bodies to only bear so much fake healing. I was stuffing all my emotions and pretending that I forgave Ray. Pretending I had moved past it. Because none of it was true, and I was stuffing so much pain, I began to get physically sick.
Statistically there are an extremely high number of people who have physical illness that is caused solely by stress and stuffing their emotions. I became one of those people. I was literally throwing up multiple times a day, but could find no medical reason. I even began eating only fruits and vegetables thinking that there was some horrible food allergy that I couldn’t find. There was still no relief; until Ray moved to Ohio for 8 weeks to find counseling. The whole time he was gone, I was fine! This is when I realized that this was nothing physical. I sought out Godly counseling myself and was able to fully surrender my darkest fears, my issues with rejection and abandonment, and my anger at Ray. This was only the tip of the iceberg in my journey toward healing, but it was like a salve that seemed to flow through my body, and I stopped getting sick. I tell you this story so that you see that not only is it impossible for our husbands to make it better, we can’t make it better either. We will only mess it up terribly, and even if we buy it in our minds, our bodies and spirit won’t fall for it. It is only through the power of God at work in our hearts that we can truly find healing.
Don't let that bring you down. It is not as impossible as it seems. You see we delight the heart of our father when we throw our hands out in surrender and tell him "I need you, I can't do this on my own." As you surrender and begin to pray through all of the things in your heart that are keeping you in pain, HE will do all the legwork and begin to heal your heart. There is NOTHING that he will withhold from his children when we come to him and align our prayers with his will. And his will is for you, his daughter, to be whole. He has a calling for your story, every part of it. The pain and more importantly, the restoration and transformation that he can and will accomplish when you let him.